I feel this so deeply. I remember lamenting to my therapist when I was in my twenties that it was exhausting to constantly be confronted with the fact that so many people are so limited in their empathy for others. She pointed out to me that only a small percentage of humans ever progress to the stage of development where they are concerned with the higher principles of morals and ethics. Most people are focused on serving their own needs and are shockingly unconcerned with their impact on others (i.e. your swindling landlord). Meanwhile, I'm witnessing the banality of evil on a near-daily basis as clients on my caseload find ways to rationalize and justify going along with corporate policies that reinforce the injustices of the Trump administration, whether that's slashing DEI programs, or opting out of marching in the pride parade, or working for corporations that fund fascist billionaires... I get it that everyone needs to pay their bills and they can't all quit en masse; but watching the double-think and denial in action is seriously demoralizing, especially since my most affluent, privileged clients are the most likely to engage in this. Lately I feel like a raw nerve when I go out into the world.
Wow, what a great therapist, but also how depressing. (My therapist recently told me that it may be smart to be a _little_ more suspicious of people!) It's a good reframe to realize that maybe I'm conceptualizing life/the world in a way that just doesn't match up with the people I'm disappointed by. Also, of course, I am not faultless. I cause plenty of harm. But your comment makes me think that most people aren't going around just feeling like their brain is melting from the ethical cognitive dissonance? I'm sorry you feel like a live nerve these days, too.
I don’t think I know and love a person who is not struggling with these exact same questions of how to give grace to others, how to try to meet them where they are while also preserving what we value and seek to uphold in both thought and behavior as moral actors in our own lives. It feels like the actual crux of political and civic life right now.
Ah, this is hard. We're all on edge right now, with so few extra resources. I think we don't all have to be great every day. We just have to hope someone (like the mom in your story) is great on some days. I trust that you have a wealth of wisdom and empathy on other days.
I try to tell myself, "Sometimes people are just kind," because it's true and because it helps me notice the little things when all the big things are weighing on me. One time a stranger asked if he could take my shopping cart when he was passing by and I'd just finished loading my groceries in a handicapped space. I thought he was going to use the cart himself, but he just returned it for me. I'll never forget that. Sometimes people are just kind. <3
The story of that mother actually makes me feel like there is hope for us all. I have been that rageful mother, and the shame I feel at those emotions is considerable enough that if someone was to come up to me and scold me that I had to get my shit together I would be shattered. (I get that men’s anger, especially expressed in public, is loaded, and I would have almost certainly felt differently if I was hearing it in person around my kids.)
Right. Yeah, it's tricky. I thought about that. If it weren't a man, I would feel a connection and empathy (particularly with another mother). I think a lot of it, for me, is exhaustion from managing the emotions of men. But, still, not sure my reaction is helpful.
Yeah, shaming that dad definitely wouldn't of helped at all. The mom sounds amazing and what I would hope someone would've done for me when I lost it with my kids when they were little.
I feel this so deeply. I remember lamenting to my therapist when I was in my twenties that it was exhausting to constantly be confronted with the fact that so many people are so limited in their empathy for others. She pointed out to me that only a small percentage of humans ever progress to the stage of development where they are concerned with the higher principles of morals and ethics. Most people are focused on serving their own needs and are shockingly unconcerned with their impact on others (i.e. your swindling landlord). Meanwhile, I'm witnessing the banality of evil on a near-daily basis as clients on my caseload find ways to rationalize and justify going along with corporate policies that reinforce the injustices of the Trump administration, whether that's slashing DEI programs, or opting out of marching in the pride parade, or working for corporations that fund fascist billionaires... I get it that everyone needs to pay their bills and they can't all quit en masse; but watching the double-think and denial in action is seriously demoralizing, especially since my most affluent, privileged clients are the most likely to engage in this. Lately I feel like a raw nerve when I go out into the world.
Wow, what a great therapist, but also how depressing. (My therapist recently told me that it may be smart to be a _little_ more suspicious of people!) It's a good reframe to realize that maybe I'm conceptualizing life/the world in a way that just doesn't match up with the people I'm disappointed by. Also, of course, I am not faultless. I cause plenty of harm. But your comment makes me think that most people aren't going around just feeling like their brain is melting from the ethical cognitive dissonance? I'm sorry you feel like a live nerve these days, too.
I don’t think I know and love a person who is not struggling with these exact same questions of how to give grace to others, how to try to meet them where they are while also preserving what we value and seek to uphold in both thought and behavior as moral actors in our own lives. It feels like the actual crux of political and civic life right now.
Beautifully put. And yes, I think you're right. A version of this conversation undergirds so much right now.
Ah, this is hard. We're all on edge right now, with so few extra resources. I think we don't all have to be great every day. We just have to hope someone (like the mom in your story) is great on some days. I trust that you have a wealth of wisdom and empathy on other days.
That's a very good point about all being low on resources. That behind my impatience is a sense of, "not you too?!"
I try to tell myself, "Sometimes people are just kind," because it's true and because it helps me notice the little things when all the big things are weighing on me. One time a stranger asked if he could take my shopping cart when he was passing by and I'd just finished loading my groceries in a handicapped space. I thought he was going to use the cart himself, but he just returned it for me. I'll never forget that. Sometimes people are just kind. <3
I love this. Sometimes people are kind. I experience this often! Thank you for the reminder.
The story of that mother actually makes me feel like there is hope for us all. I have been that rageful mother, and the shame I feel at those emotions is considerable enough that if someone was to come up to me and scold me that I had to get my shit together I would be shattered. (I get that men’s anger, especially expressed in public, is loaded, and I would have almost certainly felt differently if I was hearing it in person around my kids.)
Right. Yeah, it's tricky. I thought about that. If it weren't a man, I would feel a connection and empathy (particularly with another mother). I think a lot of it, for me, is exhaustion from managing the emotions of men. But, still, not sure my reaction is helpful.
Yeah, shaming that dad definitely wouldn't of helped at all. The mom sounds amazing and what I would hope someone would've done for me when I lost it with my kids when they were little.
i hear you on all of this, and i'm glad we dug into some of the difficult stuff together ❤️